1/29/99: If you're close to me, you know I am for all intents and purposes (and you know I always have both intent and purpose)recently single. I am so ok that I can hardly believe it. Granted, I loved him. I thought about him constantly. However, he is so relieved to not have to impose "shoulds" on himself that I am also happy. He's right...we are better as friends. This reminds me that I should always listen to my mom. She knows so much about where relationships are headed. She has accurately predicted a lot of events like this in my life...she understands people I guess. She can read me like a book. Therefore I never try hiding anything from her. Anyway, she noted that I am gregarious, and Jonathan (my new best friend/ex-boyfriend) was very quiet and somewhat sad. She said "Just be careful and believe your intuition." Voila. My roommate, by the way, thinks I'm crazy because I'm happy. She'd die if she had to be alone. OK...I have a meeting. I'm Technology House social chair. :-) (later) Back from the meeting. My roommate has been dogging me because her boyfriend has restricted her to 5 hours of time together a week, because he is extremely strange. I am going out to coffee with my friend Alberto in about a half hour. He's 6'4". Yay. He only is attracted to girls 6 feet and taller. Also a good reason to be happy. I think my life is going to be hectic and complex for the next month...since I am in charge of social events and it is recruiting season. I am not good at being told to do things...I freeze up and get stubborn. People need to relax and know that I get stuff done. Poking bulls with sticks never got anyone anywhere. Speaking of bulls, I seem to have an attraction to Tauruses (I'm one myself.) Mark and Ben are both Tauruses. Mark acts the least like a Taurus. Ben would if his brain weren't so clogged with resin (just kidding). (even later)I commend myself openly and curse myself internally for being so good at restraining myself. I could have totally gone after Alberto, but I am not about to pull that so soon after my "relationship reorganization." I know I would have just been idiotic and trying to pawn off my confused feelings in a seemingly easy but very complicated solution. That would make it "rebound" and also make me seem kind of like a slut. Attacking someone when they want it is one thing. Seducing someone randomly when they spend the whole night talking about some girl (best quote of the night: "I'd like to dip her in olive oil and eat her bit by bit")...seducing someone like that would be a bad move on my part. I feel somewhat pitiful that I want action so much at the moment. Then again, that's me...I have the libido of a 15 year old boy. ;-)
1/30/99: I was so productive today. I cleaned the Tech House workshop for 2 1/2 hours. Then I took Veronica to the store. Then I was supposed to go with Jonathan to lunch and a movie...but he didn't like anything that was showing. It's odd...he's never been so caring and affectionate. It's a Catch-22 really. I finally realized today that I've been fooling myself, and that I am actually upset and I do miss him when I let myself think about it. I started getting teary while getting cocoa with Liz at Ocean Coffee Roasters. I just want to hold him. I think I have this idea that if I put up a strong front that that's a good thing...but maybe it's not. It might be unhealthy. I may need to cry or something at some point. I mean, we were supposed to go out together today...what if he had put his face in my neck while we hugged hello? I'd crumble.
1/31/99: I am in charge of a Super Bowl party that I won't even be able to go to because I have Ursas practice. I love Ursas...but damn, this is my party! My housemates probably won't even save me a chicken wing. That's what I want right now. Arrgh...being a cruicial person to a lot of people is rough.
2/1/99: The Brown PD can bite me. I hauled myself out of bed early this morning (I have a class at 1pm) so I could move my car. I got to my car at 8:30. The ticket on the windshield said 8:15. Arrgh. So, then I had to walk back from the stadium, 2 miles. It wasn't too cold if a) I was in the sun b) the wind wasn't blowing. Then I went to the bookstore to get a course packet that wasn't there. I got a large spiced chai to drink, and made my way back here to my warm room with my computer. I still have to take a shower...and afterwards I think I'll have to sit around with a thick layer of lotion on my body because my skin is all dry.(later)Well, the thick layer of lotion worked. Yum. Smooth skin. I have a feeling today is going to kick ass. No idea why...but I get this way when I wake up early and accomplish things. That's why I think I might get up at 8:30 every day. It would make me feel accomplished. I have time for myself then...something I always need to maintain my happy balance. Heh...maybe I'll even do laundry today. (and later...) Oh...I have a crush on my environmental science professor. He's adorable. He has the glasses. He has a sweet voice. I sit in the front so I can see him well. I'm pitiful. :P Seriously...you'd think I was in 9th grade. At least I don't write his name in my notebook or anything. I wish there were a picture of him on the Brown website so I could show people what he looks like.
2/2/99: Well, I woke up feeling very tired...one of those morning where you can hardly bear to open your eyes. I decided to postpone my shower to this evening, and went to the Ratty for breakfast. I had some egg whites and some cereal. I've noticed that I have been not eating...it will get to be like 6pm and I'll realize all I've had to eat is an apple or something. Bad news. Oh well. Statistics class went well, as well as Microbiology. Uneventful, except my Stat professor was wearing another very stylish outfit...I think I know why so many guys are eager to participate. It's freezing rain here in Providence...I'm pretty cozy in here listening to Kraftwerk. I got a card today addressed to "Super Girl Grady" from Liisa...that made my day. I don't have anything to do until 9:30. I will do some reading I guess, or so I say. I'll probably just sit in this very spot trying to decide if I should eat my roommate's Pop Tarts.(later) I just laid on my bed in my sweatpants and favorite sweatshirt looking out the window at the pouring rain, the beating branches, and the orange light from the sodium arc lamps. Not too long ago Liz asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with her, and I said "No", but as a result of saying no I felt like a fat cow, so after she left I did sit-ups, push-ups, and lifted my Invertebrate Biology textbook overhead as...redemption, I suppose. It's odd. I feel lonely, but all I want is to be alone. Either alone, or just accompanied without noise, distraction, or presumption. It's so nice and dark in here...a soft grey light. I could sleep, but I'd rather do my homework. Then I'll feel accomplished.
2/3/99: What a gorgeous day! I love the day after it rains. It is warm today, and everything has that good, clean, wet smell. Today has been great so far (it's only 11:25). I did get the crappy "piss on my head" shower this morning, but oh well. I came back to my room, did sit-ups and push-ups, got dressed (and I look cool too. Dark green cargo pants, light green long sleeved shirt, and a blue t-shirt with a fish motif) I table-slipped the Ratty. I did my Environmental Science reading. Now I'm going to finish reading Delta of Venus, and go to lunch. (later) I bought a big piece of thin woven fabric, in robin's egg blue. I have been experimenting with tying it on my body in various ways. Right now I'm wearing it as a dress. It's pretty cool o wear only one piece of fabric. On a similar note, I did my laundry today. When I came down to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, a guy who lives in my house was moving his clothes into a washer previously occupied by my clothes, which were piled on top of another dryer. I started wondering what people think when they touch other people's underwear. Do they try not to think at all? I mean, they're clean...does it turn them on? Is it like "Oh, just some satin panties, no big deal?" Hmmm...worth a survey.
2/7/99: I was in Marshfield all weekend, relaxing, getting away, doing my homework...using time to my best advantage to have fun and feel satisfied by the end of the weekend. I would have gone home on Saturday, but it snowed, and I decided to stay. I watched a lot of TV on Saturday, including SNL, which was notably good. BNL and Gwyneth Paltrow were the musical guest and host, respectively. I was laughing and talking to myself like I always do when no one is around to entertain me. All in all, a very, very good weekend.
2/9/99: I can see that Thursday is going to suck all the way from over here, on Tuesday. I have too much shite to do. It is going to bite. More news on that day when I actually get there. Anyway, what's on my mind...jealousy. It's a bad emotion. I have a lot of dislike for the fact that I feel jealous of people sometimes...I don't know...it seems weak or something. I rationalize all I want, proving to myself that I have so much on my side, and still, I get "green with envy." Why is envy green anyway? If anyone knows...e-mail me. The thing about jealousy is that it strikes fast, before you have time to reason. All of a sudden it's like "Wah, that's no fair", and you're reeling with all sorts of odd longings and displeasures. Granted, I think some jealousy is more warranted. A case in point of the silly jealousy. People with straight hair who want curly hair or vice versa. I say, "Please...get over it. Your hair is wonderful." Another thing that inspires jealousy in me that I despise myself for (well...not despise, but slightly chastise) is when my roommate's boyfriend comes to kiss her good night. The whole process annoys me greatly...but yet sometimes I'm laying in bed thinking "Now, why can't someone come kiss *me* good night?" At the same time that I wish there were people who really cared if I was around or not, I also realize that having someone breathing down my neck would kind of suck too. I'm confounded. I think it's because although I am in the presence of a lot of people, I don't have a good friend right here, right now, who can pat me on the back, laugh at my jokes, and make me realize I should be jealous of no one.
2/10/99: Today's entry was removed now that this is public, since I decided it would only hurt some people who read this page often. If you want a hint as to subject matter, look at my guestbook for a private message that's not from my roommate Liz, my sister Liisa, or my Dad's secretary, Debbie. This entry once said things that should remain private.
2/11/99: Today, at 2:25pm, my Helix snail Beta was found dead in its applesauce jar home. It appears the death was due to alcohol poisoning from fermented grapes. Alpha and Delta, Beta's jarmates, are alive and well. Beta was buried in the Techhouse Animal Graveyard with fellow Helix snail Gamma; two crayfish, Caligula and Carnelius; and an anonymous fish. May they rest in peace.
2/12/99: It's 5:35am. I am sitting in the Techhouse library, waiting for 6:00am. It's a good thing there are servers/VTs all around the house so I can log in anywhere, anytime. Why am I up? I am going to be doing singing Valentines. For the first part of the morning this entails waking people up, in bed, with a love song sent to them by a love or a sadistic friend. Then I have a break. I'll probably sleep. Then I'm going to Home Depot to buy materials to build a chicken coop...because I always end up in charge of everything. Hopefully I'll be back by 1:00 so I can go to class. Then, at 2, we sing again...straight until 7. After that we make phone calls. I think we were considering having a post-singing Valentine party...but we'll probably want to go to bed. I know I will. I need a lot of sleep. I'm ok the day after I get little sleep...in fact I'm giddy and energetic. It's the day after that that gets me. Well...I suppose I will go eat my Pop Tarts now...
2/14/99 Valentine's Day! More on that later...now for my very vivid dream that I have been having the past few nights that finally resolved. (It was like a mini-series.) OK, well in this dream I was a "tactile therapist"; part of a new controversial kind of therapy, that only one psychologist (who looked like Ryan Stiles in a grey herringbone suit) practiced. Essentially, when she felt a patient needed it, she would prescribe me. I would go to wherever the person was, and since they were looking for precisely what I seemed to be offering, they would undersand that I was their therapy. I can only remember 4 of my patients clearly. The first was a woman who had lost her daughter in a car accident, and had been living sad and alone for years. I went to her house, drank tea with her, and kept her company. One of my easier assignments. The second was a photographer, for National Geographic. I remember looking at the Titanic issue and having him tell me which pictures were his. Anyway, he had started to feel that his photography wasn't art anymore. So, after speaking with me for a while and going out for coffee, he wanted to photograph me. Naked. (Note: I never made anyone do anything...the point of the prescription was that when I was there as a catalyst, the patients would choose to do what would heal them best.) That was very cool because we went to his studio, and I got to see all the National Geographic pictures. The third was a businessman...he was tall, and he wore a black suit. His problem was that he was always "taking" from people and never "giving". He always made people unhappy, and needed to make someone happy. Here's where I came in. He had to be totally selfless and focus on just my pleasure. He was a damn good neck kisser. The fourth was a guy my age (I was still 19 when I was doing all this...). He worked in his father's auto shop. He was very lonely. He felt he had never had a normal relationship. Ironically, alhough I wouldn't be providing the ideal condiions for a relaionship, that's exactly what came out of it. He lived not far from Marshfield either...which was where I was living. He's the only one who met my family, obviously. Well, a few weeks after this guy, Dan, becomes my boyfriend (and thus I'm not acting as a tactile therapist anymore), a bunch of guys show up at my door flashing badges. They interview me, asking me about all my patients. My patients have all been brought there too...and they are being inerviewed as well. Afterwards, we all go outside. The guy who interviewed me said "I want you to hear something." He played me back part of my tape, about the businessman. Then he says, "You know too much, I think. I have to kill you. I'm so sorry." It turns out the "businessman" had worked for the govermnent as an asassin. They were afraid that he might have told ne something during our encounter. The guy who interviewed me holds a gun up to my head, but he's crying. I grab the gun, and easily pull it away from him. He sobs, then snaps out of it, pulls out another gun (a sniper rifle, with all those stands and stuff...) I run, I run across Richard St into my grandmother's backyard, over to the Hendry's double back because they have a fence, and when I come out again on the fire road the agents had chased me, and I have time to escape into the house, where the Ryan Stiles psychiarist, my mom, and Phil are standing. They knew about my job. Then, the agents arrive. Phil tells them not to shoot, that he has evidence that I never heard anything. He pulls out a tape recorder, and we all listen to the entire encounter...all the oohs aahs and everything. It's embarassing because my mom is right there. However, it saved my life. Then I woke up. Weird, huh? I would love to interpret that one...(later) Ahhhh!!!! Today has sucked!!! I waited for the garden people to come get their chicken coop at 2, but now they are coming at 4. I have rehearsal from 4-7. I have totally lost my voice. I realized that I never went back to check on my cultures in the lab, so I probably totally fucked that up. Every friend (with the exception of Mark) that I have tried to talk to has been too busy for me. I feel sick, stressed, and unloved. :-( (even later) Well...like always, I can't stay upset for long. Jonathan wished me a happy valentines day...which made me so happy. My roommate made chocolate chip cookies. I bought myself some chocolate covered coffee beans for emergencies only. I'm less stressed, and all in control of my week again. Yay.
2/23/99:Yeah, so I was lazy and haven't updated this. Oh well. Now I am. The best news is that TMBG is coming to Providence, and I'm going to have a pre-TMBG concert party. So far only a few people have blown me off, so that's good...it seems like I've been blown off a lot recently though. I'm not particularly upset...mostly curious. I feel like I have friends who aren't telling me something. Maybe I pissed someone off and didn't realize it. Maybe they decided I'm too dangerous to be around. Who knows. I just hope they fix it soon. I don't like being a quasi-friend.
2/24/99:My watch is broken...or needs new batteries. Every day, around 11pm, it stops. I think it doesn't have the energy to move the hands and rotate the little date thing, so it just gives up until I look at it, see that "well, gosh darn, it's still only 11?", and give it some help. I believe I just anthropomorphized my watch. I also never realized how long that word is. Perhaps "personification" would be better. Anyway, I am having a kickass morning. I have new shampoo and conditioner, my favorite kind (Systeme Biolage). I trashed all my nasty rotten body care products and started anew. Not that I have that much stuff anyway...I mean, I don't wear makeup. So, now I'm sitting here in my They Might Be Giants shirt, which has big insects on it, listening to TMBG. Yay. You see, I didn't have my CD player for the past month. I had left it at home. I was music deprived. All I had were my MP3s...which I have a lot of...but it's not the same! In other news...I think I'm going to try running again. It got too cold too fast in the fall, and by the time that warm spell came in December I had already given up. No, I won't give up this time. I will run. I will be buff. I will overcome the perception of myself as a crappy runner that I've had since we had to first run the mile...in 5th grade. The words "lapped ya!" will not echo in my ears (if they do, that will be weird since I run alone...) Oh yes. Sounds good and inspiraional, right? I certainly hope so.
2/25/99: I woke up this morning, and the trees outside my window were covered with snow. I did not want to get out of bed. I still don't want to get out of bed, and it's a half hour after I already did. Finally Providence shows the normal face of winter. Of course, that doesn't mean I should want to get out of bed. I was having a dream. I think I was singing some funk. Regaradless, I'm awake and I have to go to breakfast in a few minutes. Speaking of which, don't you hate when people say "irregardless"?
2/26/99: I have been working my ass off for this Techhouse Techno Night I'm running. I was up until 3:30 painting banners last night. What is even worse is that my roommate's bastard of a boyfriend ditched me. First he was all enthusiastic. Then he went to go get food. Then he sat and chewed loudly while watching me paint. Then he left because he had homework to do, although he had been procrastinating all day, and continued to do so, in my presence. I haven't been pissed like this in a while. I'm avoiding him at all costs. On a lighter note...it's Friday. Yeah!
2/28/99:Whoa. OK, so Techno Night went great. That's not what's on my mind. I got an e-mail and then a phone call from one of my friends here (male) that simply said, "i like you sara".Wow. Hmm. I am waiting for my roommate to wake up so I can call him and figure this out. This being liked business made me dream that not only this friend, Chris, wanted me, but also a guy named Lou from Techhouse, and another guy named Chris Darwin who lived in Warwick. He, of course, was fictional. I was on my way to a date with him when my brakes started to malfunction. All I remember of the Lou part is him suddenly accosting me in some store, kissing me neck, and whispering, "Oh, I want you Sara." Needless to say, it was a surprise...As far as the Chris part, well, I should know that plot soon enough.
3/3/99: *buzz* Sorry, Sara, wrong answer!! Nope. Chris doesn't like me. He likes someone else. He just wanted my advice. Good...that's acceptable. So...still just me. I like it...really. Who believes me? I envision myself living alone in the future. But regardless, today did kick ass. I laid on my bed in the sunshine with the window open, in my favorite shirt (the light blue v-neck), and listened to Soul Coughing. MM...yeah. Tasty.
3/4/99: This weather today is fucked up. It is sunny one minute, and hailing the next. I don't know....it seems really weird to me. Maybe Sean Connery is behind it all. You wouldn't get that unless you'd seen the Avengers movie. I saw it. I like Ralph (Rayfe) Fiennes (Fines). I'm sitting here procrastinating, to some degree. I have a lot of crispy M&Ms, which I got for free. Try them, they kick ass. I also filled out a survey, which alot of my friends got. I hope you returned it. Otherwise, big penalties...
3/6/99:Tonight I was going to go to Starfuck, the LGBTA dance, but instead I went with my friend Nik to get a snowmobile engine for a hovercraft I'm helping him build. Let me explain Nik. He's built kind of like me, he's got the sweetest boyish face, and to top it all off has a cool Russian accent. I had so much fun with him. We got lost (he was driving my car...he loves to drive. He races for Brown.), and we found a chowder place. We also found a beach. We decided to forego that, because we wanted to bring the engine back. We talked so much, about cars, about bad dates...it turns out that we both love Woodman's Clams in Essex and both have t-shirts from it. We're going to roadtrip up there. Halfway home to Providence from Warwick, where the motor was, we decided we wanted chowder. We figured we should ask Techhouse if they waned to come. Not really. So we went back to Warwick, this time in his sports car. The chowder places were closed, so we drove around, got rejected from a few bars, found a cool lighthouse, sat on a jetty, found a castle, and finally went to a little pizza place in the sketchy part of Providence at 1am. It was a fun night. Much better than Starfuck could ever be.
3/8/99: Today's events are best expressed by some creative non-fiction
3/10/99: I went running. :-) I went to the place where the treadmills are. They were all taken by "the beautiful people". I walked across campus to run around the track. That was OK, but I wish there was somewhere I could run outdoors around here. Also, I have never liked running, and I don't know why big-breasted, ankle-spraining me should even be trying. I have been avoiding thinking about it. But, regardless, I'm sticking to it since at the moment I feel wonderful.
3/11/99:Oh man, what a day. First of all, my friend Don sent me an ICQ this morning saying "I'm in trouble. Very very sick. Need clear liquid." I went to the store and got him ginger ale and crackers...he could hardly keep the ginger ale down. I've been checking on him all day. Also, I found out that Soul Coughing is playing tomorrow night in Providence...an extra stop on Sno-Core. I don't have tickets, and can't get them. That sucks.However, I did go running again, and it was easier. I'm gonna be so diesel...;-)
3/13/99: I went to a TMBG concert! (It's the one at the bottom...)
3/15/99: My uncle Jimmy died, and I had to go home yesterday...I can't say much about it really except that it's very tragic and that I'll miss him. He had a heart attack. I'm going to visit my cousin this weekend in Marshfield.
3/16/99: I went to visit Jonathan today. It was a very good move. The whole "staying friends" thing has worked phenomenally. We chatted for a while, then ended up snuggling and discussing the pros and cons of corduroy. Then we went out for Chinese food, our favorite. After that, we went back to his house and snuggled some more before I had to leave. I don't think our relationship could be more perfect.
3/17/99:Saint Patrick's Day. I'm not wearing green yet. I'm sitting in my underwear eating pad thai. It's a very sunny day out...it's supposed to be in the 50's. More on this later.(later) I have vowed, due to the weather, not to work until the sun goes down. I was going to go to the library, but could not do it. I went to Thayer Street after finding my mailbox empty once again. I got a crepe with honey, strawberries, and banana. I had an orange strawberry banana smoothie. Then I wandered down to Tom's Tracks and bought the new Cake CD. I noticed Dave's name on the door, and just sort of smirked and kept going. I chatted with the Spanish peddler who sells leather goods on the corner. I got a cream soda to drink as I walked. I went to the Brown Bookstore and bought a book. I checked my mailbox again. Now I'm back here. The window's open, and I feel what can best be descibed as spring fever. I'm glad I'm going to Marshfield this weekend...please, weather, stay this way!!!
3/18/99: Another gorgeous day...and since yesterday I was not efficient, today I had to be. My mailbox was painfully empty today. I looked in the little window on the front and saw nothing. As if it would make a difference, I still opened the little door and peeked inside. This action didn't make an mail appear. I sighed loudly and relocked my mailbox. I went to the Sciences Library and went into the basement where they keep periodicals. It was too sunny and awesome outside to stay there, so I photocopied some articles, and took them outside. I sat on the grass and wrote about these articles in my class journal. Then, I read for pleasure. It sounds like an odd thing to remark on, especially since I am so avid a reader anyway. Sadly, my busy life doesn't always leave me time for reading for my own enjoyment. I realized that I do enjoy it too. I laugh loudly. Everyone can hear me I'm sure. I talk to myself about passages. I sit there in the sun and chuckle about the actions and witticisms of a protagonist that only I'm experiencing. I sat there for 3 hours. I was wearing SPF 15 (I wear it every day), and I still got somewhat of a tan. I wish it would be warm again tomorrow, because I wimped out and wore my sneakers today, instead of sandals...which I could have pulled off. My sneakers...whose very structure depends on some strategically placed duct tape. Everything about today was positive. I have a weird lump on my neck...I don't know what it is. I assume it's a swollen gland. I can't think of anything else it could be. I am not going to play hypochondriac. If it doesn't go away, I'll get it checked. To return to the weather...this weather makes me want to kiss. I think it must be the natural drive to reproduce. The air is warm and thick, and delicious...it smells like warm earth and is astonishingly fresh for a city. It's drinkable. The act of drinking in and savoring this warm air is almost kiss-like. I found myself shooting glances at inanimate objects, beckoning buildings and trees to come kiss me. Totally ridiculous, but fun. I also met a ladybug, who clung to my shirt quite tenaciously. I would have kissed it except that I probably would have inhaled it. Plus...are bugs dirty? Not in the "I touched dirt" sense, but the "I'm gonna give you a CDC level 3 microbial agent" sense. I mean, I'm not going to go around making out with bugs, but in the event one ever flies into my mouth, I'd like to know.
3/21/99: I went to a Violent Femmes concert on Friday, and saw Ben, Coco, etc at it. I left them because they were going to smoke up, but ended up next to some other more asinine smokers anyway. Afterwards I walked up the hill because Coco wouldn't give me a ride. Then I drove to Marshfield at 1:30am. The roads are quite different at that time...empty, and surreal. I was listening to Soul Coughing: El Oso. It was pretty cool. When I got to Marshfield I rolled right into bed...since nothing exciting was going to be happening at 2:30. The next day I slept until 10, then went out to Arthur and Pat's for my usual (coffee, black w/ lots of sugar; strawberry orange bash; grilled blueberry muffin; egg white omlette with spinach and broccoli, dry toast, dry homefries). Nothing like a good breakfast. I didn't need to eat for the rest of the day, until I went to Iguana's with Katie and Moriah. After that I relaxed at the house before turning in early...at 11. I decided I had dry skin so I covered myself in Neutrogena Body Oil and let myself moisturize. It worked. I woke up this morning feeling silky. Also of note, the fact that I justified playing Dr Mario as the closest thing to studying for Micobiology that I could do, because it has viruses in it. Sometimes I crack myself up... I woke up at 8, planning on going running, but then realized I hadn't packed my sports bra. So I walked. The beach was gorgeous...quiet and beautiful. It took a lot of effort to come back to Brown, that's for sure.
3/22/99: There's this girl who glares at me, or at least frowns at me, every morning when I take a shower. OK, not every morning, but the mornings that she's there waiting for the shower and I'm in it. Like I'm a horrible person for using the shower when she wanted it. I would attribute it to her being an unhappy person, but I've seen her happy once or twice, albeit never when directly involved with me. I think she has a grudge against me because she has auditioned for the Ursas 3 semesters in a row, and never got in. I am going to be studying Microbiology all day today. I want to do really really well on my midterm.
3/23/99: I took my test today, and it tore me a new one. Luckily it did the same to all my peers, so we're equal. I didn't get mail from East/West yet, and I'm getting annoyed. Good things happened today though. I got my car from the stadium, and when I parked it, it was the most perfect parallel parking job I've ever done. I went to the Southside Community Garden for a thank-you party, and I told Patrick (the guy who works there, who hugs me, which is cool) that I'd help him build an indoor river. So, in the end, it was a good day.
3/24/99: I had a really messed up (but awesome) dream last night. Feel free to read it. I am going to have dinner at the co-op with Chris, not because I like the co-op, because I don't, but because Chris is my friend and I want to spend time with him, even if it is in the Land of Soybeans and Weird Musty Smells.
3/25/99:Brown has pre-spring break fever. All sorts of weird stuff has been going on. Last night there were naked guys skipping around Wriston Quad...pledges for the football frat. On the main green there have been people playing bongos and weird quasi-accordion things, and "singing" what sounds akin to what muezzins shout from minarets to call Muslims to prayer. I am also pre to this spring fever. I totally forgot to go to a meeting last night. I locked myself out of my room today...twice. It's the first day of the year that I've worn sandals. Now, I will try to discipline myself to do some work...a simple 2 page abstract. Easy. The question is...will I do it now or later? (later) I didn't do it yet, but I have some more important points to make. First of all, who poisoned everyone around me with low self esteem and lack of personality??? Everyone!!!! People calling our room because they can't do anything by themselves, like make simple decisions. People who don't know who the hell they are. People who can't survive without the approval of others, or at least someone there to prop them up and make their puppet mouths go. It makes me sick. What's wrong with the world?? On a happy note, I left my schoolbag in the cafeteria. Some guy called saying he had taken it for safekeeping, and that he'd meet me at the corner of Thayer and Charlesfield. When I got there, who was it? Dave!!! The "Ratty Guy"!! (see Ratty I and Ratty II.) Wow...like something out of Seventeen. :P
4/6/99Mmm. Today was the first day it was warm enough here to wear shorts. I'm just sitting here, listening to Radiohead (Jonathan's CDs), and just sort of getting back into the "not on Spring Break anymore" mentality. So much good stuff has been happening. The biggest one of these is that I got into my marine biology program for next year, East/West. I am so excited!!! This is probably the most excited I've been about something for a while, maybe since getting lots of awards at graduation, or since getting into Brown. Yay!!!
4/7/99 It's 70. Mmmmmmmm! I went and chatted with deans today, and filed for a leave of absence. It's official. Meanwhile I've realized that I am indeed the "best friend." I make people smile when they hate the world/women/men/school. I listen to the tales of your wonderful and awful days. I entertain and please. It's not bad at all. But I wonder why, if people need me so much, why is it that people don't have 10 minutes to answer my e-mail, or stop by to say hello? Something to ponder, my friends...
4/9/99: Napping is wonderful. I think we forget in our rapid pace lives how truly wonderful it feels to get into comfy clothes, put on some soft music, and just rest. Of course, there's no pressure to sleep. I know when I wake up, I feel wonderful. I feel healthier, restored...my skin is warmer and rosy and I have a content grin on my face. I know not everyone likes the way they feel after napping. Jonathan says he just feels groggy, lethargic, and like the day has disappeared. Naps can be taken in a lot of places, like the beach, the couch, the lawn...anywhere you feel comfortable. Despite the fact that getting your wisdom teeth out sucks, the best part about it was being able to nap all day. Granted, I was on heavy painkillers, but still...it's a fond (yet really fuzzy) memory. Some people believe that napping messes up your sleep schedule. Well...chances are you don't get enough sleep every night anyway, so you can't mess it up, you can only help. If you're that worried, just nap for 20 minutes. The key is to escape life's stresses though, so don't think about them. Tests, taxes, problems...they don't exist for a little while. Think about all the things you're foregetting by being stressed and unhappy. Think about just how nice it feels to rest.
4/11/99: I had such an awesome weekend. I played Ultimate on Saturday, then we had a Techhouse barbeque. Then, Kali, Liz, Dan, and I all went to Marshfield. It was a much needed escape from Brown and Techhouse. When we got there, we went for a walk on the beach, even though it was really windy and cold. It was great. We hung out at the house for a while, then went shopping. We got orange juice, Triscuits, cheese, and orange sherbert. We ate all those things, then just sort of sat on the couch for a long time, talking and relaxing. Dan had an awesome dolphin shirt on, and he said I could have it because I love it so much. Dan was so comfortable that he fell asleep on the couch. I gave him a blanket, then we all went to bed. Kali slept in Hannah's bed and Liz slept in Liisa's. We got up in the morning and Dan said he'd had the best sleep he'd had in months. After we were all showered, we went to Arthur and Pat's. Once we had eaten and they had experienced Dee firsthand, we all went for a long walk on the beach. The sun was sparkling on the water, and everyone was happy, perhaps even "Sara P Grady happy". The tension had dissolved from Dan's neck finally. We sat in the house for a little while after our walk, but then my mom showed up, and people started thinking about work, and we decided to come home. It was an awesome weekend though...we need to do it again.
3/12/99: What sucks is that tomorrow is going to be very busy and somewhat stressful, and it's souring today. Bah! No, but I did do good things today. I talked to a dean about changing some stuff for next year, and bought 2 books at the bookstore (Peter Farrelly's "Outside Providence", a somewhat sick book about the region by the guy who did There's Something About Mary; Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", because I can't call myself a geek if I haven't read it), and fell asleep in the Techhouse library for an hour and a half. I have to study for a Statistics exam that I have tomorrow...
4/16/99: I have an Ursas concert tonight. I also had a kickass horoscope today: The brokers would think that you are brilliant, the dealers would be delighted, and the venture capitalists would be just crazy about you - you are an investment that has paid off. Stocks would be soaring if you were the source. The Moon visits Taurus to give you a cosmic makeover. Know that your before was quite stunning, so your after is amazing. Your beauty is a unique blend of the gracious and the earthy. Your suitors are lining up at the door -- be sure to end up with the one who appreciates the intense energy that you tend to radiate. Doesn't that kick ass? I don't really expect people to be lining up at my door...and I don't even know if I'd want that...but I like the "gracious and earthy" description.
4/19/99:Hmm. I have a lot of stuff to do, like laundry and my concentration forms, but I'm feeling highly inefficient. I have class in about 15 minutes. It's one of my favorites (America and the Sea), but I just don't feel like sitting in the basement of Sayles Hall for 2 1/2 hours. I don't really feel like anything in particular. Bleh. :P
4/21/99: I found a ring today. It fits me perfectly. It's a lot more exciting to me than to anyone else, I guess...but what is exciting is that I don't have to do Safewalk tonight. In this extra time I've been given I'm going to acutally do my Environmental Science journal and hope that the distracting thoughts that keep invading my head stay away for a while. Invading thoughts? Yes...like imagining myself asleep on the beach. For example. Note the fact that I am sitting here at my computer. I'm eating Peppermint Pez (something I recently discovered). I would eat some of Liz's food...but I do that too much already anyway. I had dinner at the Co-op with Chris...the Nields (a band) were supposed to be there but they bailed. Chris and a bunch of other people are trying to get me to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar. I love musicals, but I really don't know if I have the time. Such a dilemma...;-)
4/22/99: I got yelled at in Starbucks. I ordered a "Venti Iced Chai Latte", and of course the guy shouts "Iced Venti Chai Latte"...because as we all know, they like to make us feel inferior. So, the girl who's actually making them puts a Venti Chai Latte up on the counter. I ignored it, figuring it wasn't mine, since mine was iced. She says "Your chai is ready", all annoyed with me. I said, "Oh...well, I ordered an Iced Venti Chai Latte." "That is a Venti Chai Latte..." she replies in a tone of voice that one wold use to say "duh!!" "Right...but...umm..." "FINE! I'll make you another one!!" I was thinking "Oooohhhkay...lay off the shots of espresso and take some antidepressants..." She was a steaming ball of anger. I bet the fact she was so unhappy just made her angry, which made her more unhappy...and so on and so forth. So, again, I vow to avoid Starbucks if I can. I'll go to little coffee shops that have kind employees that don't degrade me.
4/25/99: I want...I don't know what I want. Something. I want to close my eyes and when I open them have someone walk through the door and it will all seem wonderful. Not that it isn't...because after all, it's always wonderful with me, or at least close. However, something is iffy, and I can't place it, and it's bothering me. I sometimes almost figure it out, but then I run away before I get to the answer. It's confusion...which always goes away. It's all about waiting. Waiting for a conclusion, and remembering that you're an independent being that will keep going, regardless of who's waiting for you where, or who cares where you are. They probably don't care much for my exact location or feelings. Who they are doesn't matter, merely that this "they" always has a population. I have to forget them. I can't be their savior of love. I have tried for years, and it has always just caused problems. Ignorance is indeed their bliss and I can't hold the rope that will keep them all from falling for long. Back when I first realized I was losing people to their own self-indulgence, I tried really hard. I mean the bad kind of hedonism, not the good kind that I practice. Where are the people who care anymore? Some of them are right here. I am content with that. I suppose all societies must have acceptable losses and a sense of levels, where some understand, and others prefer not to understand because it's easier.
5/1/99: It's May. It's 70 degrees and gorgeous outside. I'm inside writing a big paper on sea chanties. I don't know if I'm jumpy, and therefore need to relax, or if I maybe need some coffee to make me feel hyper and thus write faster. I will probably have to go eat soon, which will break my train of thought. It's a 20-25 page paper, and I want to have 12 pages done by tonight. :-) Wish me luck.
5/2/99:Oh no!! With all this time spent typing my paper, I've been seduced by the MS Word dancing paperclip!!! I've started talking to it!! I mean, before I would scold it for being so...laviscious. But I actually just said "bye" to it when I closed it's little window. It winked at me, as if it knew that it had done exactly what it wanted...oh...I feel so dirty...:P
5/11/99: Last night Kali gave me a haircut, because I had given her one the night before. I like it. Whereas my hair was pretty long before, now it brushes my shoulders. As we always predicted, it's very wavy but so far not poofy. It looks really cute actually. I've never really thought of myself as cute, unless it's in the way of bears or something: cute in a big lumbering honey-licking sort of way. Well, it's a lot cooler, that's for sure. Liz will probably freak when she sees it because she liked my hair "exotic" as she called it. I need to get a picture while it's like this in the event I want to maintain it. Plus, I want to show everyone how it looks.
5/14/99: Today was a kick-ass day. I had an exam this morning for Science in Environmental Issues, which I totally rocked. Then I came home, laid out a blanket on the grass in the sun, ate a Gerard's turkey sandwich, read some, and ended up sleeping for an hour or so. Then I came inside and chatted with Scott for a while and installed the SETI At Home program. Liz asked me if I wanted to go to dinner, but I didn't feel like going with just Liz and Mike, so I stayed here. LIz brought me back a chicken sandwich, a large Sprite, and a cooke from Au Bon Pain, and some little yellow roses as a present (my birthday is tomorrow). She is a very kickass roommate. Tonight I'm going out with Techhouse officers past and present. Yay...finals are almost over!
Oh, wow...you read it. Hopefully I didn't rub salt in any wounds, and hopefully I made you think...even if that thought was something like "I never knew Sara was so ________". Feel free to e-mail me and tell me your thoughts.